5 communication derailers – and how to spot and stop them

So often we assume others should just know how we feel, what we want or what we are thinking. But communication doesn’t work like that, explains Cooper Chapman.

Open and honest conversations are the foundation of trust and connection. Clarity is kindness. Truth is the greatest form of love. If something is important to you, say it. If a boundary is important to you, share it.

Mitch Wallis is a great friend, the founder of the mental health charity Heart on my Sleeve, and one of the most respected mental health educators in Australia. He’s identified five common patterns of unhelpful communication – what he calls “communication monsters.” And we all get stuck fall in them from time to time …

See if you see yourself in any?:

1. The magician

Will always try to fix everything immediately. Will offer advice before offering empathy. Sounds like ‘You should try this. You should do that.’

Has great intentions to help, but true connection starts with validation, not solutions.

2. The thief

Will steal the moment and make it about themself. Sounds like ‘Oh yeah, that same thing happened to me!’

Has great intentions to make the person feel related to. Instead of jumping in, sit and let the person tell their story.

3. The blind optimist

Will rush in with positivity that can feel dismissive. Sounds like ‘At least you’re okay. You’re gonna come out stronger.’

Has great intentions to share optimism. But silver linings can come later, first honour the person’s challenge.

4. The ostrich

Will avoid awkwardness or emotion entirely. Sounds like – changing the conversation.

Discomfort is a bridge to connection. We must go through it. Don’t look away or bury your head in the sand. Be present.

5. The helicopter

Panics when others are in distress and escalates tension. Sounds like ‘Oh no! Oh my god. That’s terrible! What are you going to do!?’

Instead, be like the trunk of a tree, not leaves swayed by the wind.

Grounded and open

On the podcast, Mitch explains these five patterns really well and beautifully expands, “When you’re in the supporter role, you better plug into the ground like a tree. Be stable. Be calm. Your energy becomes the other person’s safety.”

And when you are the one that is hurting and needing help? Then, of course, lean on others. Seek all the support necessary – from friends, family and psychologists. Sharing how we feel is crucial.

But when someone comes to you, your goal should be to be grounded. Not reactive.

And if you do see yourself in any of these monsters – because I know I definitely do – don’t feel guilty, get curious. Most of us follow these patterns because we care. We just haven’t been taught better tools to use.

Best practice advice

So what does a tick for communication look like?

It means having a conversation that goes beyond the surface level. That means checking in with your partner about how we are really feeling, and holding space for that. Or calling a mate and asking a question that goes beyond a simple, “How’s work?” Or “How ya been?”

Just one proper conversation, with presence each day, can completely shift your state of mind, but most importantly, your sense of connection.

So, my challenge for you is this: Next time you are having a conversation, take a few mental notes asking yourself:

• “Am I really listening? Or am I waiting to speak?”
• “Am I responding from ego – or from empathy?”
• “Have I clearly communicated what I need – or am I assuming they know?”

Because when we go deeper, it is an opportunity – an opportunity to understand, to grow, to be a person those around you feel safe opening up to, to feel seen and heard by.

And in a world full of distractions, noise and busyness, your pure presence is the greatest gift you can ever give.

Edited extract from The 1% Good Club: The simple way to transform your mental health in just 14 minutes a day by Cooper Chapman.

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